写给单身公害们

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  没人疼,没人爱,小心单身是公害。
      ——蔡依林《单身公害》

  当真要搞?果然要搞?虽然,你那么真诚地想要搞个恋爱,可还是每天在厕所唱一个人的精彩?是的你应该被呵护被珍惜被认真被深爱被捧在手掌心上,我也知道每次你看见姐妹的双宿双飞多冲动。所以我要告诉你,冥冥中真就藏了恐怖分子在破坏你跟另一半的缘分,为了名花有主的未来,把他们逮出来!

恐怖分子一号!路边有花没空采
  好多人摆明了是想找对象,连半张床都腾出来了,可一到真章就……每次同事朋友喊你出去应酬,你压着一桌子公文,咧着嘴:“今儿算了,改天吧,等我把这单搞定的。”当时你心里肯定这么想:“等咱升职加薪了咱好好疯一把,那个福星小子让他先等等。”谁等谁呢?三天两头还好,你三年五年不升职,人家都福星老子啦。

  反恐主张:把自己送进实话实说,问你自己,当下,现在,如今,2006年,是不该考虑感情生活啦?如果是,那就迈出勇敢一步,自个创造机会。哪怕上网登记交友呢,跟亲戚朋友说开了你要招亲,约几个单身伙伴每周末出来嗨皮一下。千万别让失败的约会把你吓回成工作狂,因为一次真正的风花雪月能让你感慨前面多少年都白活了……到时候谢我来得及。

 


大哥咱俩头回见面儿我哪能要你这么珍贵的礼物尼

恐怖分子二号!太相信一见钟情
  这世界节奏快啊,用不着一千年以后,拍脑袋的当儿就有人下结论了。来自旧金山的阿伦娜雷芙总是卡掉男士的献媚:“见面五秒钟,我就发现这人真没劲!”她抱怨道。问题在于咱们中间,有几个敢说是少女或者少男杀手的?好就算你是杀手,五秒钟让你俘虏一个人,谁有这本事?五秒钟啊……阿伦娜不好意思了:“我都一年没约会了呀,不能赖别人,是我没给人帅哥机会来秀出魅力,多一点点耐心就好了。”

  反恐主张:避免当机立断地排斥谁。假如上面说的阿伦娜就是你本人,送你两条妙计:锦囊一,是跟自己订条约,跟人约会至少要坚持一杯咖啡(好好喝,好好品,两口干掉不算),你这么想:我要是陪人喝杯拿铁都噎得慌,那我也太菜了。锦囊二,制造二次约会。觉得对谁有好感,或者最起码不讨厌,就再约一次,一般来讲,再见面你俩都放松多了,好交心,好制造故事哦。

恐怖分子三号!过尽千帆皆不是
  缺少标准的人生绝对不够小资,我同意。但朋友们的意见得听进去,尤其单身朋友的。是否总没人理解你:为啥不追那个老谁家的小谁呢?嫌人家短?嫌人家高?嫌人家不爱吃面条?闹了半天是嫌人家领带难看,你可真够浪费自然资源的。回头看择偶配置单儿里某些不是“必须”的条件就划了吧。

  反恐主张:重新资产评估一下,哪些才是重要的。一般关于未来伴侣的事,我们统统都猜错。他要多高,有没有胡子,戴不戴隐形……那都是理想啊,哥们,关于两个人要怎么条件才能亲密无间契合半生,你我的水平都是国小一年级。真正牵手偕老的人们,又有几对是满足理想条件的?相濡以沫的夫妻关系,通常建立在共同的价值观和兴趣之上,约会的时候,多留意这个,少盯人家裤腿儿长短。

 


我看见一朵小花...头上还带着发卡!

恐怖分子四号!曾经沧海难为水
  他离去,那天忽然倾盆大雨,忘记关的窗……那快乐太清楚,才衬出现在的孤独,你在电话里跟我们挨个倾诉,念叨七八年,本也无伤大雅。可后来你发现,遇到好赖帅哥都跟他比,总是关心他的消息,甚至琢磨该不该把新恋曲跟他讲,那就属于当断不断。跟谁吃吃喝喝,躺在谁身边都没感觉,还搞什么啊,心让人领走还没回来呢。

  反恐主张:首先批准自己开启新的一页,江山代有帅哥出嘛。当然一时半会儿你很难走出过去,那是因为还没建立起支持网络,或者叫亲友团,有那么几个号码是在你最无助的时候,毫无理由就想拨的,其中就有前男友。你被上司冤枉了,家里金鱼下仔了,好坏的种种你总想跟那家伙分享,抵制这种诱惑跟断奶差不多,不妨找个替代,换成跟老妈说说不行吗?适应了,放下了,才有心情冲着新人笑。

恐怖分子五号!一千个伤心的理由
  朋友小聚的时候你有没有遇到话题往不良方向发展?我指那些怨天尤人的牢骚:老板老板没脑子、同事同事小心眼、家里班上一脑门官司、周末嗨皮还碰上穷酸……所有这些自怜自艾的主,自己那儿陶醉得不行,没留神吓跑多少人呢,以后哥几个见你都避之唯恐不及。

  反恐主张:换个活法。蓝调忧伤小夜曲,买账的人太少,阳光女孩更美丽。用积极活泼包装你自己,帅哥们出来俩钟头也不是听谁诉苦的,好老公不一定都是好心理医生,承认吧?别把浪漫的机会变成忆苦思甜大会。你更可以收集身边丑小鸭变天鹅、青蛙变王子的上进故事,以备必要时扭转话题走向。那个印象给人肯定深刻。

  恋爱漫道真如铁,而今迈步从头约,从头约,缘分在你,当我没写。

  (译文,材自“Why are you still single?” by Jerusha Stewart, msn亲蜜有约频道)


- 大胖 06-3-13

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此日记由 大胖 发表于 2006年5月 2日 02:23

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