神经侠侣

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神经侠侣 Crazy N' the City

昨天看"神经侠侣",又一部陈奕迅演的电影。里面提到一个"奋斗更年期",挺逗。

陈警员在湾仔巡逻多年,被前辈教导过,百姓冷眼过,黑帮恐吓过,长官奚落过,生活仍然是平淡无奇。他有一天梦见劫匪用枪顶着前辈师兄的头,逼他放下枪,他情急之下开火,眼看俩人倒在血泊中,其时大雨滂沱,欲哭无泪。

醒来一看天下太平,还是巡逻咯,连挂彩的机会都没一个,那些警匪片也不知怎么编的。还好陈警员习惯了,因此,这天警队新来一个乡下姑娘叫男妹,男妹被分着跟陈警员一道巡逻(怎么开头像野蛮师姐),陈警员就教了她三条军规:不信前辈、不信邪、脑子笨还总问,全警界大忌,她全犯了。

午餐的时候男妹就着陈警员坐,陈警员说吃饭是私事你不用跟我,哎你别走,人家看见该说我讨厌你,说我不带新人。刚吃上,几个同事挤过来,前辈师兄说,男妹你别跟他一般见识,他是奋斗更年期。男妹歪着头想想,我是什么期?发育期喽。那你呢?我?我是退休期。这时陈警员吃完了,擦擦嘴走人。

官少兵多,到哪都是自然规律,想爬上去,拍马屁是少不了的。这不,好容易警员球队跟警官球队来一场友谊赛吧,陈警员上来就把一头发花白老头铲一溜跟头,裁判估计也是警司级人物了,掏红牌让他下场,他还梗着脖子有理,队友好心劝,他气得扛着衣服一直走。

(现在插播笑话:
小姐:"出租车公司吗?"接线员:"是"
小姐:"麻烦来车接我一下。倒霉下雨。我在路口等,紫色包包蓝白衬衣,牛仔裙!"
接线员:"到哪里?"小姐:"到膝盖呀。")

说到暴露狂了,这不,陈警员就碰上一位。接到报警呼叫,陈警员和男妹迅速赶到,一看双层巴士停在路边上,上面一层都空了,一群好事的乘客挤在下面一层还都不肯走。谁报的警?司机正要说话,两个学生妹从司机后坐上站起来举手,是我们报的警!暴露狂在哪里?在上面。

巴士二层是一中年男子,穿着大花短裤,报纸遮脸,还在那里死撑。

两个小妹妹尴尬地指认,像跟老师告状一样。走吧,陈警员拉起疑犯,半推半就地下车,突然!疑犯下车一刹那猛地朝前窜去,陈警员在他身后也是一个箭步下车,钳住疑犯的手愣是没被甩开,疑犯转身一个大脖拐,说时迟那时快,陈警员一矮身形,让过掌风,顺势抓住疑犯另一只手,借力扯过头顶"啪!"疑犯重重地摔在地上,一车人鼓掌叫好!三个女生都看得目瞪口呆,男妹好容易回过神来,掏出手铐递过去。

一路无话,回到警局。录个口供男妹也要挨批,陈警员:你干嘛录两份?问一个,抄一份不就得了。她俩一同看到的嘛!加班又没有便当吃。真服了你了。

再踢球的时候,陈警员身边就多了两个花枝招展的小姑娘了,那天录口供才知道,这俩小姑娘住的是洋房别墅,上的是贵族学校,贵族学校规矩怪,可以不穿校服,只要你每个月捐款多少多少给野生动物保护组织就有这个特权。回想起几个月前,陈警员接到超市报警,去领的那个贼,那是个落魄的胖子,他一见警察就从凳子上滑下来,歪跪在地上,抓着男妹死不松手,警官行行好,我失业两年,老婆又难产死了,仔才7个月,我进了去,他也活不长了。陈警员叫男妹不要心软, "妨碍司法公正"坐牢时间可比偷奶粉长。

我说什么来着,地狱天堂都在人间。陈警员没打算时来运转,可同事们都在羡慕他的"艳福"呢,还说什么年龄差距大不怕,拍拖几年正好她毕业时结婚。好像男妹最近也看上了一个帅哥交警,成天魂不守舍的。

两个小妹妹是学校柔道社的成员,死乞白赖地拖陈警员去讲讲。陈警员见到脸色凝重的老师,自己也严肃起来,有板有眼地示范,如果色狼从后面勒住你脖子怎么办,假设我就是色狼...一众小女生哗然。

摔过打过,陈警员像大哥哥一样请小女生和一帮同学吃蛋糕,朝天辫坐左边,娃娃头坐右边,大伙众星捧月围着陈警员,叽叽喳喳到半夜,各自打车回家,朝天辫好像还没尽兴,非要拉大哥哥去唱K,陈警员觉得太晚了,笑笑,送她上出租。娃娃头倒是鬼灵精,非要坐巴,坐巴就要走到站上,俩人就这样走啊走,娃娃头说,要去美国读书了,十天后这会儿的飞机,问陈警员到时会在做啥?支支吾吾之间,雨就来了,站牌旁边倒是能避雨,陈警员和娃娃头站的五步远,一辆出勤的警车吱!地扎在人行道边,师兄探出头,乐呵呵地看这俩人脸上的水。载你们?不用了哦?嘿嘿...

那晚是怎么回到家,陈警员忘了。因为次日起来巡逻的时候,他发现了朝天辫。从阴暗的胡同口看进去,女孩裸露的肩膀明亮而清晰,黑色的垃圾袋穿在她身上,像晚礼服。朝天辫遇到了雨夜屠夫。这个名字不胫而走,比什么福莱迪杰森都响亮,搞得港岛人心惶惶,大人吓唬孩子又有了新题材。

毕竟朝天辫是死了。陈警员无数次盼这是梦,但又醒不来。昨天还在跟朝天辫演练,我是色狼,你被我勒住,这样对,用力跺我脚,哎哟!咕咚!好好,就这样摔。你们自由组合试一下,哎哟,我的腰。

如果,昨晚他肯去唱K呢?如果...

男妹说,没有如果,如果当初我们放过偷奶粉的呢?事隔半月,听说有跳楼的,我们跑到现场看见楼顶上竟是那胖子,你非让我在楼下引开注意,自己跑上去,却在楼梯上崴了脚,眼睁睁地,看见胖子,落下来。如果,如果换我上楼呢?如果你小心点?就是那天,你教我,没有如果。

陈警员疯了一样地巡夜班,查身份证,没收路人口袋里的剪刀。男妹说,你变了,成天到晚梗着脖子,像吃了红牌一样。

雨夜屠夫还在作案,我忽然觉得这个故事应该分一条主线给他,对这个身手矫健、丧心病狂、自负甚高的家伙,自人肉叉烧包以来又一个港产恶魔,我们仍然抱着敬而远之的态度,也许他也有奋斗更年期?也许他像胖子为生计所迫,也许是富豪家世使他步入歧途。也许那些根本不重要,我们需要一个彻头彻尾的坏人,一个假想敌,一个为奸杀而奸杀并不需要同情的BOSS。

打BOSS之前陈警员自己没什么预感。只是命运使然,电影不能无止境地演下去,好人坏人最后摊牌,尘归尘土归土。细雨如丝,夜深人静,湾仔的街道熟悉而又陌生,巡逻像是游戏里的探险。一个外表刚毅的NPC从他面前走过去,腿有点瘸,半分钟后,迎面又闪出一个浑身是血的NPC,气息奄奄地喊,雨夜屠夫...陈警员回头猛追,似乎是那晚的雨,浇得人睁不开眼,一路狂奔,眼前闪出一些如意不如意的画面,他来不及看,加速,加速,还有五步,四步,眼看着那个影子越来越近,是了,那家伙刚才腿已经受伤,只要再加把劲,三步、两步!一个猛扑,拳脚功夫先别追究,拷上你咱再说话。警车摩托车呼啸而至,难得慢半拍的男妹也匆匆赶到,一般演到这时候坏人已经伏法了,于是陈警员贴着马路牙子躺平身体,任细密的雨点冲刷一身臭汗,舒服。

这时有架飞机从他面前飞高远去,机翼两侧的红灯在雨中光彩夺目。娃娃头在那上面,陈警员想起,十天前这会儿,她在站牌底下说,我喜欢,踢球的你。


文 2005年1月24日

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