昨天看"神经侠侣"，又一部陈奕迅演的电影。里面提到一个"奋斗更年期"，挺逗。
陈警员在湾仔巡逻多年，被前辈教导过，百姓冷眼过，黑帮恐吓过，长官奚落过，生活仍然是平淡无奇。他有一天梦见劫匪用枪顶着前辈师兄的头，逼他放下枪，他情急之下开火，眼看俩人倒在血泊中，其时大雨滂沱，欲哭无泪。
醒来一看天下太平，还是巡逻咯，连挂彩的机会都没一个，那些警匪片也不知怎么编的。还好陈警员习惯了，因此，这天警队新来一个乡下姑娘叫男妹，男妹被分着跟陈警员一道巡逻(怎么开头像野蛮师姐)，陈警员就教了她三条军规：不信前辈、不信邪、脑子笨还总问，全警界大忌，她全犯了。
午餐的时候男妹就着陈警员坐，陈警员说吃饭是私事你不用跟我，哎你别走，人家看见该说我讨厌你，说我不带新人。刚吃上，几个同事挤过来，前辈师兄说，男妹你别跟他一般见识，他是奋斗更年期。男妹歪着头想想，我是什么期？发育期喽。那你呢？我？我是退休期。这时陈警员吃完了，擦擦嘴走人。
官少兵多，到哪都是自然规律，想爬上去，拍马屁是少不了的。这不，好容易警员球队跟警官球队来一场友谊赛吧，陈警员上来就把一头发花白老头铲一溜跟头，裁判估计也是警司级人物了，掏红牌让他下场，他还梗着脖子有理，队友好心劝，他气得扛着衣服一直走。
(现在插播笑话：
小姐："出租车公司吗？"接线员："是"
小姐："麻烦来车接我一下。倒霉下雨。我在路口等，紫色包包蓝白衬衣，牛仔裙！"
接线员："到哪里？"小姐："到膝盖呀。")
说到暴露狂了，这不，陈警员就碰上一位。接到报警呼叫，陈警员和男妹迅速赶到，一看双层巴士停在路边上，上面一层都空了，一群好事的乘客挤在下面一层还都不肯走。谁报的警？司机正要说话，两个学生妹从司机后坐上站起来举手，是我们报的警！暴露狂在哪里？在上面。
巴士二层是一中年男子，穿着大花短裤，报纸遮脸，还在那里死撑。
两个小妹妹尴尬地指认，像跟老师告状一样。走吧，陈警员拉起疑犯，半推半就地下车，突然！疑犯下车一刹那猛地朝前窜去，陈警员在他身后也是一个箭步下车，钳住疑犯的手愣是没被甩开，疑犯转身一个大脖拐，说时迟那时快，陈警员一矮身形，让过掌风，顺势抓住疑犯另一只手，借力扯过头顶"啪！"疑犯重重地摔在地上，一车人鼓掌叫好！三个女生都看得目瞪口呆，男妹好容易回过神来，掏出手铐递过去。
一路无话，回到警局。录个口供男妹也要挨批，陈警员：你干嘛录两份？问一个，抄一份不就得了。她俩一同看到的嘛！加班又没有便当吃。真服了你了。
再踢球的时候，陈警员身边就多了两个花枝招展的小姑娘了，那天录口供才知道，这俩小姑娘住的是洋房别墅，上的是贵族学校，贵族学校规矩怪，可以不穿校服，只要你每个月捐款多少多少给野生动物保护组织就有这个特权。回想起几个月前，陈警员接到超市报警，去领的那个贼，那是个落魄的胖子，他一见警察就从凳子上滑下来，歪跪在地上，抓着男妹死不松手，警官行行好，我失业两年，老婆又难产死了，仔才7个月，我进了去，他也活不长了。陈警员叫男妹不要心软， "妨碍司法公正"坐牢时间可比偷奶粉长。
我说什么来着，地狱天堂都在人间。陈警员没打算时来运转，可同事们都在羡慕他的"艳福"呢，还说什么年龄差距大不怕，拍拖几年正好她毕业时结婚。好像男妹最近也看上了一个帅哥交警，成天魂不守舍的。
两个小妹妹是学校柔道社的成员，死乞白赖地拖陈警员去讲讲。陈警员见到脸色凝重的老师，自己也严肃起来，有板有眼地示范，如果色狼从后面勒住你脖子怎么办，假设我就是色狼...一众小女生哗然。
摔过打过，陈警员像大哥哥一样请小女生和一帮同学吃蛋糕，朝天辫坐左边，娃娃头坐右边，大伙众星捧月围着陈警员，叽叽喳喳到半夜，各自打车回家，朝天辫好像还没尽兴，非要拉大哥哥去唱K，陈警员觉得太晚了，笑笑，送她上出租。娃娃头倒是鬼灵精，非要坐巴，坐巴就要走到站上，俩人就这样走啊走，娃娃头说，要去美国读书了，十天后这会儿的飞机，问陈警员到时会在做啥？支支吾吾之间，雨就来了，站牌旁边倒是能避雨，陈警员和娃娃头站的五步远，一辆出勤的警车吱！地扎在人行道边，师兄探出头，乐呵呵地看这俩人脸上的水。载你们？不用了哦？嘿嘿...
那晚是怎么回到家，陈警员忘了。因为次日起来巡逻的时候，他发现了朝天辫。从阴暗的胡同口看进去，女孩裸露的肩膀明亮而清晰，黑色的垃圾袋穿在她身上，像晚礼服。朝天辫遇到了雨夜屠夫。这个名字不胫而走，比什么福莱迪杰森都响亮，搞得港岛人心惶惶，大人吓唬孩子又有了新题材。
毕竟朝天辫是死了。陈警员无数次盼这是梦，但又醒不来。昨天还在跟朝天辫演练，我是色狼，你被我勒住，这样对，用力跺我脚，哎哟！咕咚！好好，就这样摔。你们自由组合试一下，哎哟，我的腰。
如果，昨晚他肯去唱K呢？如果...
男妹说，没有如果，如果当初我们放过偷奶粉的呢？事隔半月，听说有跳楼的，我们跑到现场看见楼顶上竟是那胖子，你非让我在楼下引开注意，自己跑上去，却在楼梯上崴了脚，眼睁睁地，看见胖子，落下来。如果，如果换我上楼呢？如果你小心点？就是那天，你教我，没有如果。
陈警员疯了一样地巡夜班，查身份证，没收路人口袋里的剪刀。男妹说，你变了，成天到晚梗着脖子，像吃了红牌一样。
雨夜屠夫还在作案，我忽然觉得这个故事应该分一条主线给他，对这个身手矫健、丧心病狂、自负甚高的家伙，自人肉叉烧包以来又一个港产恶魔，我们仍然抱着敬而远之的态度，也许他也有奋斗更年期？也许他像胖子为生计所迫，也许是富豪家世使他步入歧途。也许那些根本不重要，我们需要一个彻头彻尾的坏人，一个假想敌，一个为奸杀而奸杀并不需要同情的BOSS。
打BOSS之前陈警员自己没什么预感。只是命运使然，电影不能无止境地演下去，好人坏人最后摊牌，尘归尘土归土。细雨如丝，夜深人静，湾仔的街道熟悉而又陌生，巡逻像是游戏里的探险。一个外表刚毅的NPC从他面前走过去，腿有点瘸，半分钟后，迎面又闪出一个浑身是血的NPC，气息奄奄地喊，雨夜屠夫...陈警员回头猛追，似乎是那晚的雨，浇得人睁不开眼，一路狂奔，眼前闪出一些如意不如意的画面，他来不及看，加速，加速，还有五步，四步，眼看着那个影子越来越近，是了，那家伙刚才腿已经受伤，只要再加把劲，三步、两步！一个猛扑，拳脚功夫先别追究，拷上你咱再说话。警车摩托车呼啸而至，难得慢半拍的男妹也匆匆赶到，一般演到这时候坏人已经伏法了，于是陈警员贴着马路牙子躺平身体，任细密的雨点冲刷一身臭汗，舒服。
这时有架飞机从他面前飞高远去，机翼两侧的红灯在雨中光彩夺目。娃娃头在那上面，陈警员想起，十天前这会儿，她在站牌底下说，我喜欢，踢球的你。
文 2005年1月24日
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